For once I'm going to type and actually try and leave the words up instead of deleting the post after about 5 minutes.

What got me thinking was realizing I wanted/needed to write something, whether to work it through in my head or to just get it out and separate it from myself. I realized though, that yet again I would think it over for a few minutes and then panic and delete it. I wanted to try and figure out why that was so I hope this won't become too disjointed.

My main 'panic' tends to be that someone will read what I have written. Yet I know that at the time I fully intended for it to be read. I think though, that I am/was afraid that it might offer a little more insight into myself than I am comfortable with. I also become very aware that when I do type rather than post something funny it tends to be because either something is wrong or something has happened that I want to rant about.

As a rule I am generally convinced that no-one does read this, and most of the time I am cool with that. I made it for me really, at the time I saw it as something to leave behind, a mark to show I was here, something that would remain for as long as the hosting site was still there. Then there are the times when I want to be heard, I want to shout and scream that something is not ok, whether it is for myself or something that is going on elsewhere.

There are some of my views, however, that I know have a tendency to piss people off be it religious, political or personal (that's usually animal based). Now none of my views cause actual harm to a single other living thing, but some people do not respond well to being disagreed with even if I make it clear that while I disagree with something, as long as their beliefs and opinions do not harm any living thing then I don't really give a flying fuck about them. For example if someone believes in a certain religion, any at all then they are welcome to that belief as long as they leave me out of it and I will defend their right to believe that as long as they are not using it to manipulate others or cause damage either through action or method of education (eg total elimination of science - this only harms and retards students knowledge base and ability to make their own choices).

Sometimes I am willing to debate with people if they are doing so in an educated way, not resorting to name calling or it just descending into a petty argument. If they want to discuss and compare the facts and knowledge that between us we have, then that is fine. The only problem I tend to come across with that is my own failings. I don't know if it is illness or medication related, really could be either at this point, but I have an appalling short term memory and concentration span which makes holding an intelligent discussion that little bit harder as I have a tendency to forget what I'm saying or the point I'm making about half way through my sentence. So I do tend to avoid debates on things where my knowledge is not as longstanding as I would do my position an injustice. But all of my opinions are based on large amounts of research, I can be confident in them in myself, but not enough to argue them without maybe a little preparation xD


 I wish I could retrieve information this easily ha,

So I guess my point is half of me is worried about what people will think of me (see me as either offensive or just always moaning about something), and half is worried that it will give a little TOO much of an insight into me. Maybe I like to control who knows certain things instead of just throwing information out there and not seeing where it goes. Having a face to face with someone is a lot different, I can gauge their facial expressions, body language etc. Same reason I dislike using the phone except to text I guess. Truth is I know that I end up alienating people with a refusal to open up about things and if no-one knows to ask then it can only be my own fault. I guess that first beginning of the conversation is always difficult, getting over the feeling that they don't really give a shit they just feel like they 'should' ask.

In truth, I've just had so many people that speak as if they will be there if you need, but it ends up being shallow words to comfort themselves the old 'well I tried my best' spiel. So yeah I will try not to delete this as I may find it useful myself later :) Whether I will end up being able to write any more like this, I shall have to see. I may fall back to my completely inconspicuous way of expressing how I feel by posting music videos like I do anywhere else xD