Friends
Posted by Rael on Saturday, June 9, 2018 Under: Whine
How do people do it? I mean, interact with others, maintain friendship and not say something stupid or offensive every time they open their mouths?
I am one small step away from deleting all my social media (such that it is, not like I say anything on it) and removing any potential contact with people. I don't seem to feel the same as others, I don't seem to sympathise or empathise or have any kind of link to anyone. I mean, I know I often do sympathise, but I rarely manage to vocalise or show it, and by the time I realize I should have then it is too late and will look flippant or insincere.
I get added to a group chat, people I use to talk with (on a forum which is waaaaaay different to any live chats for me) and I have said NOTHING. I think of something, even just a quick 'Hi'. But then I will sit there and contemplate it, the more I think, the harder it is to say a single word. I think that I've left it too long, or they are in the middle of talking themselves, or I have nothing to say. I stare some more at that chat that I 'cannot' participate in, and I close it. Then it gets longer and longer, it's been a few days now, and I know I will not be able to bring myself to say anything, or even answer a simple question if I know it.
I have absolutely nothing in common with anyone. The things I would/can talk about freely are usually not the kind of things that 'normal' people are interested in. I feel shut out from the world, yet I am not totally sure that I want to be in it. I want there to be a place for me, but I want that place to have company that wouldn't judge me if they knew what I thought, if those thoughts actually came out of my mouth instead of me standing there and looking dumb because I am terrified of upsetting someone or saying the wrong thing (I have tried not being silent.....I almost always fuck it up and say the wrong thing).
My add test got cancelled, they will be testing for aspergers too apparently which was a surprise but kinda makes sense. Both would explain a LOT. As much as I would hate to have another label I would actually feel better to know that it's not my fault I'm like this, there is a reason. Not that it would probably change much but still.
I am sick of feeling isolated, yet I don't think I have it in me to keep friends. I try but either I leave it too long between contacts and feel weird about it. Or I suddenly realize that noone ever contacts me first, it is always me initiating. That's how I know I must be unlikable, or just not personable enough to be worth the effort. I can be responded to but noone would ever choose me first.
I want to shut the world out, delete all social media, all contact. Then I can pretend that it is my choice to be this way, not something that feels forced upon me.
I am one small step away from deleting all my social media (such that it is, not like I say anything on it) and removing any potential contact with people. I don't seem to feel the same as others, I don't seem to sympathise or empathise or have any kind of link to anyone. I mean, I know I often do sympathise, but I rarely manage to vocalise or show it, and by the time I realize I should have then it is too late and will look flippant or insincere.
I get added to a group chat, people I use to talk with (on a forum which is waaaaaay different to any live chats for me) and I have said NOTHING. I think of something, even just a quick 'Hi'. But then I will sit there and contemplate it, the more I think, the harder it is to say a single word. I think that I've left it too long, or they are in the middle of talking themselves, or I have nothing to say. I stare some more at that chat that I 'cannot' participate in, and I close it. Then it gets longer and longer, it's been a few days now, and I know I will not be able to bring myself to say anything, or even answer a simple question if I know it.
I have absolutely nothing in common with anyone. The things I would/can talk about freely are usually not the kind of things that 'normal' people are interested in. I feel shut out from the world, yet I am not totally sure that I want to be in it. I want there to be a place for me, but I want that place to have company that wouldn't judge me if they knew what I thought, if those thoughts actually came out of my mouth instead of me standing there and looking dumb because I am terrified of upsetting someone or saying the wrong thing (I have tried not being silent.....I almost always fuck it up and say the wrong thing).
My add test got cancelled, they will be testing for aspergers too apparently which was a surprise but kinda makes sense. Both would explain a LOT. As much as I would hate to have another label I would actually feel better to know that it's not my fault I'm like this, there is a reason. Not that it would probably change much but still.
I am sick of feeling isolated, yet I don't think I have it in me to keep friends. I try but either I leave it too long between contacts and feel weird about it. Or I suddenly realize that noone ever contacts me first, it is always me initiating. That's how I know I must be unlikable, or just not personable enough to be worth the effort. I can be responded to but noone would ever choose me first.
I want to shut the world out, delete all social media, all contact. Then I can pretend that it is my choice to be this way, not something that feels forced upon me.
In : Whine
Morbid and warped sense of humour. This blog will, over time, give more of a (albeit shallow) insight into me than anything I write could.