It struck me as I posted a couple of things on fb, made some senseless comments on twitter (including a joke that quite a while later didn't make as much sense as I thought it did lol but that was hypomania I think).  I wonder, though, how much of what we put online of ourselves is for us as an outlet, and how much we are seeking validation from others.  

I resigned myself a long time ago to not really being an active participant in social media.  I post a music video here and there and lyrics on occasion but for the most part all I do is like posts I see from others.  I have participated in a couple of groups but they are closed ones which I think gives me more security somehow.  I realized very late on that I was following so much and fb was not showing me a lot of posts from some people.  So of course they think I am ignoring them, now I feel too awkward to suddenly start interacting out of nowhere (I know them but we aren't exactly close but that goes for pretty much everyone on my fb except the ones I have never met and one person I know well - not including the boyfriend).  

So now I'm almost certain that no-one ever sees my posts unless I happen to be talking to them online and they ask (usually about lyrics).  I have no idea how I feel about this.  I think it's back to the whole do I want them to see and maybe get a deeper reading of me than I am comfortable with or am I happy just doing it for myself and isolating myself as always.  The thing about isolation is you cannot feel like you have made a fool of yourself to anyone that you will beat yourself up for.  Even posting music videos is my way of often saying exactly how I am feeling, the lyrics will be perfect or something, hell once or twice they have been me desperately trying to say how I am feeling (when it's really bad) because I am so appalling at doing it any other way.  I know it hurts a little when these pass by everyone but I know that how the hell are they meant to know that it means what it does.  Most people wouldn't read too much into it even if they did see it.

I do know the things that I miss out on by not throwing myself out there and fuck the consequences.  For all I know it could go amazingly (ha) but I know I would have to persist past the inevitable feelings of humiliation (that I would be making myself feel when I think I've said something dumb to someone that doesn't know me) and I genuinely have no idea how to do that.

The thing is, I've always been one of those people that can socialize perfectly when with someone outgoing that can either lead the conversation to start with, or at least keep it going when I appear to be deliberately killing it xD.  When I have to think fast of things to make conversation about however, that is where it all falls apart.

Ok, I think this has helped me figure it out again (this is getting useful).  Yes I want validation, not in the sense of just getting likes or responses or anything like that, but in the sense of knowing that I can at least give the impression (sometimes) that I am capable of being a decent - maybe even sometimes fun - person to have a conversation with, and one that people are happy to know rather than just for me to be a number that increases their friends or followers list.

Only thing I have to deal with now is actually trying to achieve this with people I know since all the people I actually seem to see (and therefore have a chance to like or sometimes comment) in social media are people I don't actually know lol.  Then we are back to the problem of making myself 'suddenly' appear out of nowhere on their profiles but at least I think I understand that.